Tag: virginity

Adventures in Virginity: Building a Penis Pump for the Third Grade Science Fair

I had been in the garage for hours constructing a penis pump out of PVC pipe, duct tape, and miscellaneous medical supplies I had amassed from trips to the minor emergency. I was supposed to be brainstorming projects to build for the third grade science fair, but nothing had excited me quite like the prospect…




Adventures in Virginity: Raiders of the Lost Vagina

My brother and I loved playing with Barbies. Our formula for fun followed three simple steps. 1.) Undress Barbie. 2.) Rip off Barbie’s head. 3.) Position headless-naked-Barbie in compromising positions throughout her Dream House. When we were particularly motivated, or desperate for arcade money, we’d leave my sister a Polaroid of Barbie tied up along with…




Adventures in Virginity: The Mongoloid and Me

I hit my physical prime at age one. I was ridiculously cute. This is a historical fact backed up by thousands of eyewitness accounts. I could have had an illustrious career as a couture diaper model. My older brother, Mike, did not share my neonatal sex appeal. He had coke-bottle glasses and a huge mongoloid head….




Adventures in Virginity: Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

I marked the day I was scheduled to lose my virginity on the calendar—October 28, 2002. The square was annotated with a caricature of a mustachioed penis flexing his veiny biceps. I drew the doodle in June when I first used the date to defer Kim’s advances. I promised her that she could take my…




Adventures in Virginity: In Praise of Promiscuity

My health counselor, Mr. Marvin, eyed me suspiciously, as if calculating the risk that I was wearing a suicide-bomber’s blouse under my jacket. Earlier that semester a group of impressionable, young virgins had crashed planes into The World Trade Center, believing their naiveté would be rewarded with seventy-two virgin brides in the afterlife. Given the charged…




Adventures in Virginity: Old Men Without Women

This was not a student-teacher affair. First of all, I was a former student. And second of all, our friendship was not sexual. Walter and I simply enjoyed each other’s company. Sure on some level I wanted him to like me, to see something special in me, but mainly I just wanted him to think…