Tag: childhood

Adventures in Virginity: Building a Penis Pump for the Third Grade Science Fair

I had been in the garage for hours constructing a penis pump out of PVC pipe, duct tape, and miscellaneous medical supplies I had amassed from trips to the minor emergency. I was supposed to be brainstorming projects to build for the third grade science fair, but nothing had excited me quite like the prospect…




Adventures in Virginity: Raiders of the Lost Vagina

My brother and I loved playing with Barbies. Our formula for fun followed three simple steps. 1.) Undress Barbie. 2.) Rip off Barbie’s head. 3.) Position headless-naked-Barbie in compromising positions throughout her Dream House. When we were particularly motivated, or desperate for arcade money, we’d leave my sister a Polaroid of Barbie tied up along with…




Adventures in Virginity: The Mongoloid and Me

I hit my physical prime at age one. I was ridiculously cute. This is a historical fact backed up by thousands of eyewitness accounts. I could have had an illustrious career as a couture diaper model. My older brother, Mike, did not share my neonatal sex appeal. He had coke-bottle glasses and a huge mongoloid head….




Adventures in Virginity: In Praise of Promiscuity

My health counselor, Mr. Marvin, eyed me suspiciously, as if calculating the risk that I was wearing a suicide-bomber’s blouse under my jacket. Earlier that semester a group of impressionable, young virgins had crashed planes into The World Trade Center, believing their naiveté would be rewarded with seventy-two virgin brides in the afterlife. Given the charged…




Adventures in Virginity: Old Men Without Women

This was not a student-teacher affair. First of all, I was a former student. And second of all, our friendship was not sexual. Walter and I simply enjoyed each other’s company. Sure on some level I wanted him to like me, to see something special in me, but mainly I just wanted him to think…




Adventures in Virginity: Latex, Lust and Catheters

At eighteen I was still a bit squeamish when it came to a stranger tinkering with my penis, even if she was a trained professional. In the previous months I had made great strides in this department. Yet, a certain amount of unease still seized me each time I prepared to give a new audience…




Adventures in Virginity: Getting the Lucky End of the Mop

I yanked off my underwear like a Band-Aid and covered myself with an undersized gym towel. Laughter cackled out of the shower-room mixed with clouds of steam and the roar of water. This would be a rowdy crowd, not to mention the biggest audience my penis had ever appeared before. Two days earlier my merrymaker…




Adventures in Virginity: Seducing the Family Couch

It takes a special kind of lothario to seduce the family couch, and I was just such a libertine. It didn’t bother me that the couch was possibly the most malformed creation in the history of modern living. It looked like it had been crudely cobbled together from skinned and cannibalized furniture. My father likely…




Adventures in Virginity: Rhetorical Masturbation

My dyslexia had a hand in my discovery of masturbation. I was studying in the garage at a folding table late one night, reading The Diary of Anne Frank and struggling to think up an original essay topic. My mind had a slow processing speed. In order to read or write, I needed an environment stripped…




Adventures in Virginity: The Measuring Stick of Manhood

The question remained: how would we detain the throngs of naked women on our island? Dave and I contemplated solutions as we waited for chemistry class to begin the first day of our sophomore year. Cages, chains, chemical persuasion—each created its own problems. It never occurred to us that a well-endowed offshore bank account and…