Tag: Catholicism

Adventures in Virginity: The Mongoloid and Me

I hit my physical prime at age one. I was ridiculously cute. This is a historical fact backed up by thousands of eyewitness accounts. I could have had an illustrious career as a couture diaper model. My older brother, Mike, did not share my neonatal sex appeal. He had coke-bottle glasses and a huge mongoloid head….




Adventures in Virginity: Old Men Without Women

This was not a student-teacher affair. First of all, I was a former student. And second of all, our friendship was not sexual. Walter and I simply enjoyed each other’s company. Sure on some level I wanted him to like me, to see something special in me, but mainly I just wanted him to think…




Adventures in Virginity: Rhetorical Masturbation

My dyslexia had a hand in my discovery of masturbation. I was studying in the garage at a folding table late one night, reading The Diary of Anne Frank and struggling to think up an original essay topic. My mind had a slow processing speed. In order to read or write, I needed an environment stripped…




Adventures in Virginity: The Measuring Stick of Manhood

The question remained: how would we detain the throngs of naked women on our island? Dave and I contemplated solutions as we waited for chemistry class to begin the first day of our sophomore year. Cages, chains, chemical persuasion—each created its own problems. It never occurred to us that a well-endowed offshore bank account and…




Adventures in Virginity: Dildos in the Closet

I was expelled from vacation bible school for refusing to believe that priests masturbate. Priests used their ordained hands to bless naked babies and dispense Christ crackers from the communion party bowl. No way were they also using their holy grubbies to flog the bishop and shake hands with the devil. My actual articulation of…