Tag: Austin

Adventures in Virginity: Building a Penis Pump for the Third Grade Science Fair

I had been in the garage for hours constructing a penis pump out of PVC pipe, duct tape, and miscellaneous medical supplies I had amassed from trips to the minor emergency. I was supposed to be brainstorming projects to build for the third grade science fair, but nothing had excited me quite like the prospect…




Adventures in Virginity: Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

I marked the day I was scheduled to lose my virginity on the calendar—October 28, 2002. The square was annotated with a caricature of a mustachioed penis flexing his veiny biceps. I drew the doodle in June when I first used the date to defer Kim’s advances. I promised her that she could take my…




Adventures in Virginity: My Short Career as a Discount Stripper

My brother handed me the T-bag G-string he had picked out for me from the adult store, Dreamers. I turned it over, wondering how this thin, animal-print spandex could possibly contain my modest holdings. Mike and I took turns primping in the bathroom: lathering, shaving, and applying unwarranted amounts of lotion and cologne. Then we…




Adventures in Virginity: Bedding my Brother’s Girlfriend

My morning boner imposed itself on my brother’s girlfriend, Lindsay. A gallon jug of Carlo Rossi wine sat toppled on the carpet amid piles of scattered clothes. Our bodies lay mashed together in the crevice at the center of my twin mattress. Actually, the mattress was technically my brother’s before I confiscated it from my parent’s…




Adventures in Virginity: Grand Marshal of the Penis Parade

When you step outside, naked, the silence hits you first. Such a grand gesture seems to demand the pomp of a marching band, or at least some scattered applause. Instead you are confronted by the stillness of life continuing on as usual, unimpressed. That silence no longer surprised me. What shook me that night was…




Adventures in Virginity: The Measuring Stick of Manhood

The question remained: how would we detain the throngs of naked women on our island? Dave and I contemplated solutions as we waited for chemistry class to begin the first day of our sophomore year. Cages, chains, chemical persuasion—each created its own problems. It never occurred to us that a well-endowed offshore bank account and…




Adventures in Virginity: The Foolproof Wisdom of Underage Drinking

At fourteen I was a junky, addicted to a drug I had yet to experience. Awkward hugs were my methadone—the closest I could get to what I truly craved. Freshman year I charted my days in terms of hugs, mapping a route through the halls of Anderson High School that yield the greatest percentage of…