Tag: adventures in virginity

Adventures in Virginity: Building a Penis Pump for the Third Grade Science Fair

I had been in the garage for hours constructing a penis pump out of PVC pipe, duct tape, and miscellaneous medical supplies I had amassed from trips to the minor emergency. I was supposed to be brainstorming projects to build for the third grade science fair, but nothing had excited me quite like the prospect…




Adventures in Virginity: Raiders of the Lost Vagina

My brother and I loved playing with Barbies. Our formula for fun followed three simple steps. 1.) Undress Barbie. 2.) Rip off Barbie’s head. 3.) Position headless-naked-Barbie in compromising positions throughout her Dream House. When we were particularly motivated, or desperate for arcade money, we’d leave my sister a Polaroid of Barbie tied up along with…




Adventures in Virginity: The Mongoloid and Me

I hit my physical prime at age one. I was ridiculously cute. This is a historical fact backed up by thousands of eyewitness accounts. I could have had an illustrious career as a couture diaper model. My older brother, Mike, did not share my neonatal sex appeal. He had coke-bottle glasses and a huge mongoloid head….




Adventures in Virginity: Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

I marked the day I was scheduled to lose my virginity on the calendar—October 28, 2002. The square was annotated with a caricature of a mustachioed penis flexing his veiny biceps. I drew the doodle in June when I first used the date to defer Kim’s advances. I promised her that she could take my…




Adventures in Virginity: My Short Career as a Discount Stripper

My brother handed me the T-bag G-string he had picked out for me from the adult store, Dreamers. I turned it over, wondering how this thin, animal-print spandex could possibly contain my modest holdings. Mike and I took turns primping in the bathroom: lathering, shaving, and applying unwarranted amounts of lotion and cologne. Then we…




Adventures in Virginity: In Praise of Promiscuity

My health counselor, Mr. Marvin, eyed me suspiciously, as if calculating the risk that I was wearing a suicide-bomber’s blouse under my jacket. Earlier that semester a group of impressionable, young virgins had crashed planes into The World Trade Center, believing their naiveté would be rewarded with seventy-two virgin brides in the afterlife. Given the charged…




Adventures in Virginity: Old Men Without Women

This was not a student-teacher affair. First of all, I was a former student. And second of all, our friendship was not sexual. Walter and I simply enjoyed each other’s company. Sure on some level I wanted him to like me, to see something special in me, but mainly I just wanted him to think…




Adventures in Virginity: Grand Marshal of the Penis Parade

When you step outside, naked, the silence hits you first. Such a grand gesture seems to demand the pomp of a marching band, or at least some scattered applause. Instead you are confronted by the stillness of life continuing on as usual, unimpressed. That silence no longer surprised me. What shook me that night was…




Adventures in Virginity: Latex, Lust and Catheters

At eighteen I was still a bit squeamish when it came to a stranger tinkering with my penis, even if she was a trained professional. In the previous months I had made great strides in this department. Yet, a certain amount of unease still seized me each time I prepared to give a new audience…




Adventures in Virginity: Getting the Lucky End of the Mop

I yanked off my underwear like a Band-Aid and covered myself with an undersized gym towel. Laughter cackled out of the shower-room mixed with clouds of steam and the roar of water. This would be a rowdy crowd, not to mention the biggest audience my penis had ever appeared before. Two days earlier my merrymaker…