Category: Humor

HUSTLER: Stage Fright–Notes from a Fan Blowbang

Masked men lounge around the lobby of the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas. Two luchadores stand like bodyguards on either side of a mannequin made to resemble Donald Trump. A middle-aged Lone Ranger reclines on a Romanesque bed surrounded by enormous stone phalluses as bedposts. A man in a ski mask and another man…




HUSTLER: College Anal 101-A Study Guide

The photographer, Sir Ron, coaxes me into bed with Anastasia Rose and Lucas Frost. The couple wiggles over on the twin mattress to make room, careful not to let Lucas’s cock slip out of Anastasia’s ass. I hesitate a moment, more troubled by the prospect of getting in bed in my shoes than of being…




XBIZ: Sex, Death, and Video Tape on the set of Bree Mills’ ‘Half His Age’

…This is the nature of the taboo. The forbidden is alluring. Few people fantasize about safe, cautious sex where nothing is wagered. Taboo sex infuses physical pleasure with the adrenaline rush of risk. Most of us want to experience these forbidden thrills while avoiding the consequences. Often, however, these opposites cannot be divorced. This is…




XBIZ: Transcending Sex on ‘jessica drake is Wicked’

…In a modern context, the concept of “natural beauty” is meaningless. We’re all androids, augmenting ourselves through technology. Hair extensions, acrylic nails, spray tans, implants, and makeup are all staples of the beauty industry. Men too artificially enhance their masculinity with supplements, steroids, weights, and acne medicine. Even technologies as simple as toothbrushes, razors, and…




Surviving Porn: on the set of Kay Brandt’s ‘Naked’

Lead-bellied clouds loom over the golden slopes of a mountain estate just outside of L.A. Dressed in all black, with red highlights shining through her long raven hair, multi XBIZ Award-winning Kay Brandt stands in stark contrast to the setting. Although she has been on location since dawn, her makeup looks so meticulous, that I…




How not to have a Threesome

Saturday, 2:45 a.m. I strolled into the lobby of the old St. James Hotel in downtown San Diego. Light from the crystal chandelier chased away the night as I tried to slip by the check-in desk. The concierge met me with a smile that was just as loaded as mine. He wanted to know what…




Adventures in Virginity: Building a Penis Pump for the Third Grade Science Fair

I had been in the garage for hours constructing a penis pump out of PVC pipe, duct tape, and miscellaneous medical supplies I had amassed from trips to the minor emergency. I was supposed to be brainstorming projects to build for the third grade science fair, but nothing had excited me quite like the prospect…




Adventures in Virginity: Raiders of the Lost Vagina

My brother and I loved playing with Barbies. Our formula for fun followed three simple steps. 1.) Undress Barbie. 2.) Rip off Barbie’s head. 3.) Position headless-naked-Barbie in compromising positions throughout her Dream House. When we were particularly motivated, or desperate for arcade money, we’d leave my sister a Polaroid of Barbie tied up along with…




Adventures in Virginity: The Mongoloid and Me

I hit my physical prime at age one. I was ridiculously cute. This is a historical fact backed up by thousands of eyewitness accounts. I could have had an illustrious career as a couture diaper model. My older brother, Mike, did not share my neonatal sex appeal. He had coke-bottle glasses and a huge mongoloid head….




Adventures in Virginity: Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

I marked the day I was scheduled to lose my virginity on the calendar—October 28, 2002. The square was annotated with a caricature of a mustachioed penis flexing his veiny biceps. I drew the doodle in June when I first used the date to defer Kim’s advances. I promised her that she could take my…